Last night's dream really put me in a contemplative mood. It thoroughly managed to capture every emotion and concern from every angle of the moments leading up to a stay in the hospital.
I was aware of my actions, and aware that they were causing the people around me to doubt my stability. I did my best to alter my thought processes, but it comes to a point where there's just no hiding the crazy.
In my dream, this point came when I was lying in my mother-in-law's bed, stabbing at my stomach and arms with a pencil, hyperventilating and trying to hide it all under a blanket. I could hear Zac and his mom discussing what they should do, and I knew all I had to do to make it better was to simply stop. But I was not in control.
I know it's really hard for some people to understand not being able to control their brains.. or their actions.. They don't understand laying on the bathroom floor for 2 hours.. They don't understand self harm.. They don't understand making a 500 page master to do list.. They don't understand moving all your furniture into the kitchen, and then sitting in the middle of the floor crying until someone comes home and "fixes" the chaos..
Well ya know what? I don't understand it either. But I live it. It's a humiliating and unsettling feeling to experience your body and mind doing things you did not approve of. You either have to be physically stopped, or wait for it to pass.
I've been very lucky lately. I haven't had a major "episode" in awhile. I have managed to get through the weaning of my medication with relatively no ill effects.
So I'm hopeful.
But I know how easily, fast and without warning things can change. I don't take my sane moments for granted.
My dream reminded me of why I can't.
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