Not really

So. Well. Let's see.

My mom keeps referring to my wedding dress as my "dream dress".. which isn't entirely true because my dream dress would be well, not a dress. I do like it though, and it was my favorite of all i saw.. but dream? not really.

I finally got my blood sugars back under 200. I've been really good about not over eating, but I haven't been exercising.. so is it under control? not really.

I'm fairly excited about the Spongebob Christmas special that comes on tonight. I'm jealous that my friend already saw it.

I'm having issues with my child support. Good issues, but I'm sure it will come back to bite me if I get my hopes up that it will continue being doubled.

Not having a living room light is kind of annoying. It makes getting Chris to wake up in the morning to get ready a pain in the butt. Do I want to spend money on a new light? not really.

I had to buy a new tire today. So next month Zac will make me buy another one, so the world doesn't implode in a fiery ball of "omg they're not equal".

I have to make 3 trips to Kearney today.

That's right. You heard me.

Island Nazi

Because Brenna owes me, she had to clean off the kitchen island.. which is the catch-all for everything that doesn't first get set on the table catch-all or the chair catch-all.. hehe.. So anyway, of course it was kind of a big job, and now that it's clean she's intent on keeping it clean.. Do not set anything on it! You have been warned.

It's almost Christmas time. Well I'm getting ahead of myself.. it's almost wedding time. Wait, first it's Spongebob Christmas Special time. Then we'll worry about the other times.  Tonight is Santa and Fire Station night.

I haven't really done anything but shower and start laundry today, but I feel good about it anyway. I'm not tired, and not really dreading driving. My stomach thinks it's time to eat, but my blood sugar and weight think otherwise.

I'm anxious to try on my altered dress this week. I hope it gets done soon. I want to know how bad I'll look, so I can adjust my mentality accordingly.

We booked our hotel for the honeymoon yesterday. It was like half off, so yay! We aren't going anywhere exciting until summer, but it will be nice to get out of the house for awhile.

As for the wedding.. I still don't know how to get my make up done, and we're still not sure on the music.. but there will be beer and meat, and that's always a good time. I'll be in a skirt, and that should amuse those of you who aren't entertained by beer and meat..

I'm trying to stop popping my knuckles. It's hard.

Wish me luck.

$62 dollahs

I found my pants. Now I need a new motivation for doing all this laundry. It would help if I didn't have to put it away.

I'm finally posting vacation pictures. It's a lot easier now, so yay.

I'm sure that's why I waited so long.

Or maybe it's because I broke yet another laptop screen.

You decide.

Chris got up at 4am this morning.  I figured he would watch tv in the living room and fall back to sleep, but he was still up when I got up at 6 to get him ready. I bet he'll be tired tonight! I'm glad we don't have to do anything.

Except buy zest.

I think I'll drive through somewhere and get supper too since no part of me wants to cook what-so-ever.

Brenna owes me money.. and then owes me more money.. plus I get paid on the 2nd..

I get to pay bills with alllllll of it. Gag. I have $1.41 in my checking account.

It's not negative though! JUMP JUMP JUMP for joy!

Arrgh.

I *really* can't find my jean shorts. They're probably hiding from the cold weather.

I love cold weather.

I slept all day today.

I'm wearing ugly pants.

They were $1.95 at Kmart though, so I am not ashamed.

I have two 39 gallon bags (of the 4.5) of DVDs left to go through and put away. We need another shelf deal.

 I should go tend to my feet. They are screaming for attention.

I have a secret mission.

It's interesting what motivates and inspires me.

Well, perhaps not really interesting.

Like today I'm doing more laundry simply to find my jean shorts that have $60 in the pocket.

Zac wants me to buy Zest today.

I don't know what will get me to drive to town today for that.

I suppose not listening to Zac while could be a reason.

But should I go now, or after Chris is home?

I can't wait till like April.

Laters.

Someone please make me exercise.

So we skipped the gym again. I feel exactly like a person who did not go to the gym feels..

able to breath and not sweaty.

Zac thinks it is so hot in here.

It's not.

I have a secret.

I will be first.

I need to go through DVDs.

Since I didn't get a nap today, I'm kinda crabby.

I'll be back later.

Good Intentions.

I got up, got Chris ready and on the bus, fought going back to bed, took a shower, again fought going back to bed.. Then decided to get decent and head to group. Only to find out they're not having it today because they're having a trip/halloween party this evening.

Can I go? Nope. Someone has to run my kids around, and doesn't want to go anyway.

So I'm home now. Tired. Awake. Watching Spongebob.

 We have 4.5 39 gallon trash bags full of dvds that I'm transfering to my room from the living room. I'm going through them to make sure they're in their cases, and then alphabetizing them on the shelves as I put them on.

I can't do this right now though cuz Zac's in bed.

Soooo.. I'm writing this.

Is everybody ready to trick or treat?

I thought so.

I've got to tackle more laundry today.

And DVDs

OH! but first I'm going to change my scentsy stuff up!

And that's all I've got cuz well, we all know I'm just avoiding cleaining anyway.

Laundry anyone?

Yep, it's the wall of clothes.

We cleared out my room yesterday. It looks nice right now, but we have to put the dressers and everything back in there and that will take up this awesome space that I've got in there.

My carpet shampooer is broken. It won't suck up the water. Anyone know how to fix that?

I should do some laundry.

I think I'll go take a nap instead.

Ok ok I'll start it, and then take a nap? Will that appease the stay at home gods?

Let's hope so.

Welcome me back.

So one more time in the psych hospital. It went alright. I'm sure I'm now cured and ready to take the bull by the horns. or something.

Hold on, I'll be right back.

o/~ Would it be so bad if I could turn you on? o/~

I can't get that song out of my head.

The psych doctor at the hospital took me off all but 2 of my meds, and then replaced them with one. So happy! (in theory) So I'm down to taking meds only 4 times a day instead of 6. Bonus.

Also, no voices.. so double bonus.

SuperMegaUltra to do list regimen is almost ready to be put in to operation. I'm on October. It's taking forever. I started it months ago. It's Epic.Trust me.

I'm kinda hungry.

Brenna's biodad has a job now. Kind of impressive for someone who's been blind for a couple years, and just had a cornea transplant. Unfortunately his disability is what pays for our house, so I'm kind of paranoid now.

o/~Turn you upside down.. o/~

Don't wanna waste it....

EMDR - Day 1

Okay, I still never asked for what it stands for, but it seems to be a little intense. I mean we started talking about my fear of windows, and 20 seconds later I'm crying over my dead grama.

*blink*  .. what?

All from someone tapping on my knees.

Ah well, I'm sure whatever happens needs to happen. But seriously.. what?

I bought a memory card for the wii today with my $18 refund check from the eye doctor.  Only to find out it's the one for the game cube part of it we need. So I stole Brenna's.

Hey, sometimes you gotta pick favorites...  hehe just kidding Brenna! (or am i..)

I *just* had it..

My mind, that is

I've not been on much recently because my eyes changed, and I'm waiting to get new glasses. Blurriness sucks.

I've been watching Spongebob, solid, since 9:30am.

I'm sick of coughing. Chris is still sick too.

It's karate night. I don't want to go. I want to send everyone away, and try to nap.

Zac working days is kind of weird.

Brenna's taking out the trash. YAY!

Rollin, rollin, rollin..

Chris is doing my Draw free, so sorry, adam, carla and roberta..

I'm losing weight again, so woo!

That looks like "so WOOL" to me. Just sharing.

Maybe I should find something to eat.  Cottage cheese it is!

..all I know for now..

 

Quotes from the fam

"I was just informed that the Hulk could beat all the world if he just got a big metal sword." ~Zac

"The only way we can refrain from crying is crocheting headbands." ~Zac

"I was just chastised for not being cuddly. He said 'I kept leaning against you and that's good news!'" ~Zac

"..and that was my first encounter with a lifeguard.." ~Kendra

"You can't play horseshoes with a crutch!" ~my mom

"Antelope! I knew they existed!" ~John

"Dad's flipping the U-ies!" ~John

"Rumble bars, let's bring it on!" ~Chris

"At least I fart 30 times a day." ~Chris

"Well, that does help my comfort problem." ~Chris

"Don't act drunk in a museum." ~Me

Nothing's right, I'm torn

Okay, so I don't want to hog the remote, but I don't want to have to watch anything other than Spongebob. That's just the way it is. Do I really want to watch a movie? Nope. But he's the one making supper, so I suppose I'll just deal.

I mean, I don't want to make supper.

I need to go to the gym tomorrow.

Obsess much?

So my obsession with cutting myself is gone (for now), and it's moved on to The Ultimate Super Extreme Organized To Do List System.  Counting the protector sheets I'm estimating it to be around 800 pages when I'm done. I would love to be normal. If only for a day.

I need to redye Chris's hair.

Both of my kids passed to get new belts in karate yesterday. I think we'll skip the 2nd day of testing since they already made it through.

I should get out invites to Chris's birthday party soon.

Short and sweet today.

You are dismissed.

$6.00 Jesus

It's no secret. I went back to the looney bin for a couple of weeks. I hadn't been there in a year and a half. I really met some interesting people, and a couple new friends this time. I'd tell you about them all, but I know I don't want anyone writing about ME on here, so just know that they were a whole range of different.

Someone asked for me to post a picture of my arms and legs, but uh no thanks.

My brain is on overdrive, and I feel very weird.

But, while on a random visit to GI, Zac bought me a cheap little necklace, and since I've had it on I just feel safer. Plus I've got my engagement ring, and mother's ring on my hands.. and when I told him it was all comforting in some weird way he picked out toe rings and ankle bracelets for me. He has plans to get earrings as well, but we're way out of money.

Only because he hasn't seen any of the unemployment money he is supposed to get while college is out of session. And well, I keep spending all my money.

We've had to use our honeymoon fund to pay bills this month. Booo.

Chris needs an "off" button. He does not stop talking. He makes me laugh a lot though.

Some peace would be nice though, for reals. Totally for reals.

The kids are out of school, so I'm happy to not have to get up at 5:45am for awhile. I do, however, have to get up at 7am, 9am, and 11am if Chris isn't up yet to take my meds.. followed by the next set at 2pm, 5pm and 8pm.. yeah, I have to take a handful of pills 6 times a day.

SIX times a day.

Did you know they don't seem to make pill holders that are 6-times-a-day friendly?

I had to buy a bigger purse.

I'm totally ready for bed now. I had coke today. And donuts. And for sure if you're trying to lose weight, coke and donuts is always the way to go!

Um my son just crawled on the arm of the recliner, and rested his hand on my boob. Um. I removed it, but didn't say anything.. made him get up and push play on the dvd player.. and he crawled back up here and rested his head on my boob. And then announced that his head was on my boob. Sometimes he's a weirdo. And a tad creepy.

We found a picture of Jesus at the goodwill store while we were looking for books for my psychiatric fiasco, and we just decided to get it. Chris hung it up on the screw by the door.  It was $6.00.. and says so in permanent marker on the corner above his head. (We haven't bothered to try to get it off yet) (I feel kinda dirty talking about "getting it off" when talking about The Son Of God.) So anyway, we left Brenna home in charge of Chris the other day, and before I shut the door I told her to make sure she was good because "six dollar Jesus" is watching her.

I'm not religious, so I give myself permission to giggle about it.

And the magic number is...

4793mg/day
That's a bit more than I thought.

Well, if you read this on facebook, then obviously you already know... but I went to walmart yesterday and checked out with Rogaine, Gas X and Red Hots. I found it amusing.

I'm so ready to go back to bed.

Med Bump.

I wonder how many thousands of milligrams of medication I take now. One went up 200 mg yesterday, or monday.. or last week.. it all runs together. But if it gets rid of the floating head and imaginary bunny (or bunchilla as Zac calls it) then it's all good. I'm fairly certain I just have to wait for it to run it's course, but at least taking more medicine makes me feel like I'm productively working to get rid of them. Right.

So Saturday was karate graduation. Brenna's now a yellow belt, and Chris is a Dragon Orange belt. And I'm $75 poorer. But very, very proud.

Driving is still really hard for me. Panic attacks are so annoying.

This is the first summer in over a decade that I won't have any ball games to go to. I hate sitting out in the hot bugginess, but it's still weird. I do like watching my kids do stuff.  Karate and violin will have to do it for this summer though.

This morning is lasting forever! I should be sewing Zac's work pants. Or laundry. Or folding clothes. Or going through the sacks that have magically appeared on the couch.

I accidentally bought a new vacuum last night. I didn't need one. I swear it was some sort of OCD thing. I haven't opened it, but it looks pretty awesome. It almost makes me want to vacuum.  Almost.

I've watched about 5 episodes of Spongebob this morning so far.

We're sucking at saving for our Honeymoon. Mostly my fault.

But I'll be good. Starting now.

Speaking of being good.. My A1C number went down almost 2 points, and I'm very happy with it.  Just a little farther to go.  And a million pounds to lose.

And then a skin removal, and boob job .. hehe..

OCD of the food variety.

I can not stop eating Papa John's pizza. I've had probably 25 pieces in the last week. I hate OCD. It makes me crave and have insane hang ups on random things. It's not helping me lose weight.. that's for sure. I'd like to pretend I'm stronger than it, but I really don't seem to be. Maybe my Zoloft needs a bump.

Chris really wants to go to Big City Burrito for supper, so I might make that happen after karate. I'm not big on burritos, but it'll be fun to watch him eat it. You know, cuz he likes burritos.

Yes, I am this boring.

We have 2/3s of our honeymoon money now. I'm excited.

I need to straighten my bangs.

Yep, that's it for tonight.

Fevers, I got 'em.

So I suppose it was bound to happen.. all 3 fevers have hit at the same time..

Baby, House, and Wedding.

I'm currently looking up house plans. It has to be perfect. Zac is going to freak when I make him look at all of them.

As for the wedding.. I have found my dress! I have to get myself small enough to look good in it now. It's not even that expensive. I'm excited.

I don't have a clue what kind of shoes to get. Probably white snow boots since I'm sure my wedding will host the only gigantic blizzard of the year.

I just told Chris "I love you.", and my dog growled at me. What's that about? I'm not sure the two events are related, but it's hard to say.

He played with his puppy for over an hour outside tonight. I think he's going to have a ton of fun this summer!

We've looked into purchasing a wooden play set thing for outside too. Brenna's swingset is broken due to being 920393 years old, and I would like him to have something to play on. Plus if we have more kids, it will get a lot of use. I might make Brenna and Zac play on it too cuz they're that expensive.

As for more babies.. It's no secret that I don't feel like I'm done. I've always felt like that chapter of my life isn't complete.  I know I'm insane.. I'm old.. That's also no secret. I sort of gave up on it though because my body is in bad shape with fatness and diabetes. We won't get into my 811 mental issues, and the very bad idea of going off my medication.. But I've talked to my psych doctor, and he thinks it's doable.  I'm not going to talk to my other doctor until I've lost all the weight, and see what the diabetes decides to do then.

And then I'll have to decide if I'd rather have a baby, or a new house. That's a choice I can't make today.


Suddenly on the forefront is my dislike for the texture of peas. They pop when you bite them, and that's gross.


So gross.

That's what I thought.

*checks mirror* Yep, my bangs are still retarded.

This post is going to take all day because I don't really have anything to talk about. Well, I suppose I always have something to talk about; it just doesn't appear to be fitting into a specific category. Maybe it does. I don't know. I'm not really paying attention. I'm trying to halfway pay attention to the DVRed American Idol Zac is watching.

We watched The Biggest Loser before this, and it made me remember 2 things.
1. I hate Jessica Simpson.
2. I'm fat.
Oh, and a bonus:
3. I don't want to go rock climbing.

I won't be graphic, but judging by what keeps happening in the bathroom - I think my anatomy has randomly and drastically changed.

I have to drive today. I lost a bottle of my anxiety medication, so grr all around.

What's new, you ask? We now go to church, and we have a new puppy.  One is good. One is annoying, but cute as hell. Did I say "church" and "hell" in the same paragraph? oops.

I have about 20 minutes until I have to drive. I'm freaking out. Even Spongebob isn't helping. More like 10 really. Not helping. Okay, I'm going to get ready.

...

Alright, I'm back. And I forgot my book in the car. Which could be a good thing since I'll need it tomorrow. I'll probably forget it. I better just leave it out there.

I need to clean today. At least fold clothes. I could start packing. That's another thing my lack of anxiety meds is going to kick my ass on. I suppose I should start the list process.

I want to see Mirror, Mirror.

Zac starts his vacation tomorrow. I am sooooo happy he will be here to drive us around. Oh, and I suppose his company is alright too.

I lost my son for the evening. He's over at grampa's working off the ice cream he bought him.

I should start laundry. I should do anything other than sit here and watch Spongebob. Have I mentioned how much I hate hate hate this weather? Gimme some clouds before I melt!

I could really use a Klonopin right now. I can't seem to get all the way settled down from being out. I'm shaky, so I typo a lot. My pinkie finger is exhausted.

I love having a place to store towels, sheets and blankets. I don't know how I managed without it. I should wash towels. I folded clothes though, so stop hounding me already! I guess I could put them away. I may pack away Chris's warmer clothes when we get back from Colorado. Most of them anyway.

Chris just streaked through the house.

Okay, I'm off to start laundry.

 

Check Please.

Woke up at 5am, and couldn't get back to sleep? Check.
Took a shower before waking Chris up? Check.
Woke Chris up? Check.
Realized he was sick, so called the school and the bus? Check.
Watched him snuggle with his new stuffed puppy? Check
Went back to sleep, and fell asleep HARD? Check
Made Zac get up at 9 so we could go book the place for our wedding reception? Check.
Booked the place for our wedding reception? Check.
First stopped at the gas station for drinks? Check
And donuts that Chris didn't eat? Check.
That I believe are left in my car? Check.
Went to the court house to turn in a paper for a hearing on an old bill? Check.
Noticed how loud Chris's boots are in the halls of the courthouse? Check.
Went to Subway and got mine on gross wheat bread because I'm fat and diabetic? Check.
Made Zac stop at the travel agency place to ask about honeymoon spots? Check.
Realized Chris is no longer sick, just crazy and a tad annoying? Check.
Visited all my neighbors in Ravenskye? Check.
Watched Chris shove his Valentine's puppy in daddy's face and say in a funny voice "Hey my name is Reagan"? Check.


And there's my day so far....

302 Days.

Blood sugar numbers under control? Check.
Losing weight? Check.
Church and Pastor booked? Check.

Everything else? My head is swimming.

Half of me is excited for the wedding.
The other half is a little stressed out and ticked off.

Okay, a little more than half is excited.

But I had no idea how many details there are to sort out.  Like we've been trying to find a place for the reception, and it's impossible and/or expensive.  I'm sorry, but my extra money is going for an awesome honeymoon.

Which is another thing.. We thought we had it worked out for the trip we're taking in December, but new information has been presented, and now I don't know where we'll end up.

I only have 302 days left of being a Noller.  That's kind of depressing.

Karate is tonight.  And violin.  I hate driving.  I'm on the verge of panicking for no reason, so I am not sure how a trip to town will end up.

On an awesome note - I have sharpies that don't bleed through paper.

Oh yes, I do.

Denial, anger, acceptance, and back to denial.

I've had a dill pickle spear, small orange, and a plate full of lettuce today.

But don't worry, I can have all the water I want!

Gag.

\bitterness

No wait, I'm still bitter.

 It's good for me. I know. Shut up.

I'm giving it the 2 weeks till I have to turn my numbers in. If I haven't significantly reduced my blood sugar numbers and lost weight by then, then well first I'll be pissed, and then I'll talk to my doctor about getting the band put on my stomach.

Or whatever. I'm so hungry.

Bad news goes down easier when it's snowing, so thanks clouds!

I woke up to snow, yay!

Chris was sickly, tired, crabby and uncooperative.. I sent him to school anyway.

Brenna had a fever, so I let her stay home (well, actually she's at grama's)..

Did I mention I woke up with a headache?

Then I went back to bed.. until the nurse called.

Yesterday I learned my potassium and sodium were low, and my A1C high..

Today I learned my thyroid levels were even higher, and I have kidney damage.


But snow! YAY!

NO! That's NOT cool.

I gained 2 pounds this week. All this exercise and water and exercise and not eating crap and exercise and exercise and salad and exercise... and that one time I walked to US Cellular from Herrmann Dental Associates....

All for nothing!

I'm fed up. Just give me a damn stomach virus or something.

It's only 9:30??

Got kids up and off to school? Check.
Made coffee? Check.
Drank a lot of coffee? Check.
Watched DVRed Spongebob? Check.
Started Laundry? Check.
Looked for Wii remote so I could exercise? Check.
Failed to find Wii remote so I couldn't exercise? Check.
Thought about exercising a different way? Check.
Reconsidered? Check.
Thinking of people to text who are actually awake? Check.
Posted a blog? Check.
Ordered wedding planning material on Amazon? Check.
Decided I'll get a wedding tiara instead of a veil? Check.
Determined I'd be wearing said tiara a week before the wedding? Check.
Also for the entire honeymoon? Check.
Took a picture of my dog snuggled in Zac's coat? Check.
Posted the picture on Facebook? Check.
Read? Check.
Saved the basket of socks from being pushed off of the chair by Snuggled Dog? Check.
Took a picture of the dog's feet sticking out after trying to push the basket off the chair? Check.
Posted that picture to Facebook? Wait for it... Okay, Check.

Stacy + Coffee = Oh, I don't know

I'm awake though.  But I was awake before I drank a pot of coffee too.  And I can't even call it coffee, I suppose.. more like coffee tainted chocolate milk because I use so much fake sugar and chocolate coffee mate in it.  I'm sorry, but plain coffee is gross.

But I learned how to run the coffee maker, and now I feel like I should utilize the skill.

I'm waiting for this big storm to come. It was like summer yesterday, and now it's supposed to snow tonight.  Yay Nebraska. It's sprinkling a little bit, but no snow yet.

I've been complaining about my calluses.  Well one caught on something yesterday, ripped clear across my heel, and is very sore today.  I wanted to be rid of them, but not that way. Ow.

So, I'm being a grown up today.  I didn't go back to bed after I pushed the kids out the door. I'm sipping "coffee".

...And watching Spongebob.

Things I have decided, part 2

I'm ready to pay to have nice feet.

I'm sick of water.

Bob Harper can kiss my ass.  (not really, I love you Bob, I just don't want to exercise today)

I want to go gambling.

I'm ready to get married.

I'm scared to get married.

I really don't want to make meatloaf today.

I like having my car back.

I hate driving.

I'm ready for snow.

So Ready For Snow.

Bring it.

The fine line between "done" and "burnt"..

"Did you know 'butt-on' is a word?"
"Use it in a sentence."
"Daddy is a butt-on."

*stiffled giggle*

This word came about because he was playing the wii, and read the word button.  It came out butt-on, and the rest is (very recent) history.

"I'm so glad Kayla got a heart tag, or Valentine's day would be ruined!" (heart shaped rabies tag)

Somehow I've managed to accomplish nothing again today.  Ok, so I folded laundry, but I didn't put it away. I also started supper, but I didn't actually put the meat in the croc pot myself because touching raw meat is nasty.. I just put the rest of the stuff in there.  I exercised, but only 20 minutes, and I feel like I should bump that out another time before bed.

But I'm so tired! And I got to sleep in an extra 2 hours, so there's no reason for this sleepiness.

The wii says I lost 7 tenths of a pound though, so it's all good.  I suppose.

Anyway, cooking is new to me.  I've always made stuff out of a box.  So this "following a recipe" concept is fairly uncharted territory.

I hate cooking.  But alas, my kids think they need to eat like every day. (What's up with that?)

And I'm bored.. so why not crack out my OCD on something productive? (in my mind)

I started looking up super easy recipes, and writing down the easy stuff I've made in the past.  Now I have probably 100 (ish) in my book, and I'm rolling with it.

I've become one of "those" people who like to pick what they're going to have for the week, and then shop accordingly.  I don't know if it saves any money, but it sure makes me feel organized! (and if you've seen my house recently, you'd understand why I have the desire to feel organized)

Zac (and most everyone.. me included a little) (self doubt) (i like parenthesis) just assumed I can't cook because I never did.  Turns out that's not true. I *can* cook, I just wouldn't, and don't like to.  I think Zac and Brenna have liked everything I've made so far. (Chris doesn't like basil pesto chicken)

So kudos to me, and on to something else. (another post coming soon)